Nurse reveals the top 5 regrets people make on their deathbed
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality.
I learnt never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
Source: Received via Email
mind blowing awesome read, thank you.
my mom has lived like this everyday of her life while her brothers and sisters have strived for money and worked endless hours. From youth we’re bread to capitalistic motives; I hope eventually I can find peace in little things and happiness in everything like my mother. I’ve had some of my deepest conversations with my mother as well, she’s not simple minded by any means but chooses to live simply.
Amen
Your mom is a genuine person, no putting on airs. People waste much time chasing their tales. Hard to catch and too much effort involved. Living simply so much better.
Wow. What a simply wonderful and eye opening article!
How true this is. It makes me think.
You don’t choose a life, you live it.
That was a great article and an eye opener. life is so short and it is extremely easy to get caught up in the material wants that we forget about just living for right now. Thank you for sharing!
How very true this is. I used to think I was programmed to live my life to please everyone else and I was very good at it. After being serioulsy ill I changed my attitude. I now live life for me and have no room in my life for negative people. Were some of these very people around when I could have used a friend? Definetly not, because the situation was not about them and the focus was on me. How very sad that we learn too little too late that we need to live our lives to please ourselves. I am not saying that we should not treat others well but forget putting others needs ahead of my own. When we are faced with life and death crossroads it sure puts a new perspective on a whole lot of issues. I hope people read this comment and make some critical changes in their lives.
Treat other people the way you want to be treated. That’s happiness.
Baloney. That is to stop when you think you might hurt someones ego or feelings. Obligatory mumbo jumbo. We all can benefit from having someone reflect back how we act on occasion. Especially if being an idiot/obnoxious. The reflection is not always nice. Sometimes only the people who aren’t used to your actions will (probably inadvertently) reflect bluntly back to you how you actually come across. We can be so unaware of ourselves when our friends choose to accept certain traits for fear of being honest in an offensive way (they are not helping themselves though they think they are). After being given a reflection by someone who doesn’t have a vested interest in keeping the peace with you or a precious friend who has the ability to be honest even if it might sound bad, you find a moment of enlightenment which can help you toward better relationships.
i disagree with your disagreement, bloggs. i think what A.F.M has said is exactly number 3 of this article, in one sentence. i agree it may be simplistic to say all you need in life is the attitude of number 3 but we are all different and if that attitude is sufficient for somebody’s happiness then that’s good for them isn’t it?
……better known as “the golden rule”!
Thank you for publishing this piece. In a way, it is one of the most valuable things a person in your position could write. These comments are essentially parting gifts that the terminally sick are passing on to those of us still on this earth. And these gifts are precious, because we recognize that when someone is facing imminent death, they are apt to speak more honestly about what they really think and feel.
Amen, William. If we all just took the time to give back a few moments of whatever we have the capacity to give, we might find our gifted lives so much the better. Each of us has something to give. Your “thanks” to the author here is a case in point! And you never know who might read those words and benefit. Studies have shown that even witnessing an act of kindness makes one feel better.
“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.” – Buddha ~ ♥ ~
Thankyou, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!
I will send this to all of my friends and family. This is truly Golden.
Thank you so much for sharing. It’s kind of you to try to help others to change before they have the chance to regret x
Absolutely brilliantly real & authentic article.
Well done to who ever wrote this piece.
Every human being, including me, needs to read this.
It has reminded me, to choose happiness and to laugh more.
And not to be afraid of change.
Mostly our lives are about love & our relationships.
Go raibh mile maith agat.
You are right. I agree with you.
It was written by Bronnie Ware in Australia. It originated from http://inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
Thanks so very much for this post – beautiful and very touching.
I discovered all of these regrets (by accident) in my 40s. I’m now 66. For the past 20 years, and especially the past 5-6 years, I’ve simplified my life, focused on family and friends, made time to support and love them, shared my feelings, admiration and support and encouragement and have been incredibly blessed in return.
I’ve become convinced that the most important lesson in life is “letting go”… of all of the negative, confining, limiting and frustrating stuff that we allow to clutter and hijack our lives. That includes meaningless ambition, jealousy, fear, and all those other pointless emotional chains and shackles.
I have never been so happy, contented, relaxed — or as loved.
This article is wonderful advice.
So beautifully said……I am in my 40′s now. As I look back, there are things that I wish I would have done, and didn’t do, and I regret some of those things. I can’t change what is past, though I can alter my future.
i just may i will regret nothing in my life
Amazing how illness and old age strip away pretense to the core of happiness, but just like Youth is wasted on the young, we fail to count the blessings we have with every breath. Gratitude for today is our happiness.
Makes us thing what to do in remaining years!
Life is not life until you know Jesus and trust him for all your happiness and direction.
All due respect, but it’s not about religion. Jesus was a person somebody else told you to trust in. Faith comes from within.
very well said…a belief always has to come from within …otherwise you are living on someone else’s rules, someone else’s ideas and in turn someone else’s life (until you truly believe in it from within)….which in the end will turn out to be cheating yourself..
No offence but religion is a prime example of mans self importance and desire to put his own thinking at the center of life itself. To me its weak and a pretty poor excuse belief when you compare it to mother nature.
This is a very touching post. Although there is no way to validate the source is a palliative care nurse, it is believable to me since I have been through this process with my father. But I would be incredibly offended if that were my Dad. Please remove it from this article.
I meant to request the photo be removed.
Hi Rebecca
I’m assuming you felt confronted by the image of a dying person, and would prefer to not have considered mortality (ours or anyone elses!). Isn’t it ironic that we celebrate birth but not death. It’s not your fault. It’s a Western thing. Other cultures embrace the ‘Whole life experience’, and they think we’re weird that we nail down coffins without looking at the end. If we’re luck, and careful, we get to be old, wrinkly and emaciated. It’s my goal now to be all these things and also to close my eyes and know I did the best I could. Just do it…..
Cheers and Good Luck! There’s worse things you could be.
Kerrie
Its not the fact that the image is confronting, the subject of the article is designed to make you stop and think. The problem with using this image is that it appears that the gentleman in the photo is incapacitated, and unable to give informed consent to his image being published in such a way. He is at his most vulnerable, shirtless in bed receiving a bed bath and it is unclear whether this image was used with his knowledge.
The above commenter (Katherine) was simply concerned if this is dignified and ethical. I have been involved with caring for terminally ill patients and am not shocked by such images but you have to show respect and not use people in this way for our own morbid means. The article is well written and about a beautiful subject and does not need sensationalizing in this way. You don’t know this man, he is having private cares performed, the photos inclusion in this article is gratuitous.
Dear Rebecca
The image is confronting, but comes from real life. I aspire to be old, wrinkled and emaciated. The lessons learnt and offered are from people who have had time to reflect on their live, rather than being plucked out unexpectedly. I wish you enough time to think about what they wanted us to know, and to close your eyes knowing that you did the best you could.
Cheers
Kerrie
I wish that I would have had the strength to do all this.. Unfortunately, I always worried about who I might hurt, or if I might lose certain friends with my actions/support. Unfortunately, when you live in a community that is small….you tend to step on many toes….even if your intent is to support something that would help the community in the long run.
This is beautiful…a few lessons I needed to hear.
Thank your for the reminder of what is truly important.
Touching story…… However, I would like to point out that “learnt” is not a word. Thus, the the sixth sentience in paragraph one should read: I have learn(ed)…..
Thank you Justin for making me so much with your comment!
I meant to say: thank you for making me LAUGH so much with your comment.
“Learnt” most certainly is a word. It is British English – the kind learnt in India.
Why is it that people like Justin feel they have the right to tell others about words when they themselves haven’t the wit to at least check the veracity of what they claim to know before publishing it? The word “learnt” is a perfectly acceptable past and past participle version of the verb ” to learn”. But, Justin, the article wasn’t about correct English, Mate: it was about having your priorities right! Have another think about it. Nor, by the way, was “touching” the point; to teach about life was the point, something you clearly need to live a bit more of!
Hopefully, you won’t have the regret of trying to be perfect all the time (no one is perfect/it’s a waste of time). Love yourself with all your faults and you won’t get hung up on words like learnt (or become embarrassed by misspelling “sentence”). Love yourself and good times will happen.
A good, solid list. Something we should all keep in mind and learn from.
That said, I would guess that many of the people on their death beds saying these things wouldn’t change a thing if they were able to go back in time. I think the key is to ask “why?”
Life is often not easy. It’s about survival. The day to day. True change takes time and commitment to cultivate.
this is so wonderfull, i have read of her bevor and ordered the book “the regrets of the dying” myself. last week a friend of mine died without any warning, it still strikes me and i am asking myself – what do I want from life!?
This is the Best advice a Human can give to his fellow-being with love and compassion as I know lots of people just tire and worry themselves or even keep fighting and taking revenge to finally leave the earth with a empty life not having made use of their beautiful life to their best.
This is the Best advice a Human can give to his fellow-being with love and compassion as I know lots of people just get tired and worn out and worry themselves or even keep fighting and taking revenge to finally leave the earth with a empty life not having made use of their beautiful life to their best.
Curiously, a well executed article…
how true, we all live lives that we think others want us to or that we think we should to please other people or feel accepted.
The most contented people i know have all made tough desicions at some point in their lives to get where they are today and i have often wished that i could be that brave.
i am now suffering with a degenerative illness and feel its to late for me as i just havnt got the strength anymore.
everyone should pin this to their notice board and read it every day.
The moral imperative of life is to live a life that detracts not at all from the lives available to those who will follow us into this world.
Life is good. Life is short. Life, it is a party.
Don’t mess it up.
This is a fantastic list and demonstrates why nurses are vital to a happy and healthy society. They are people to be respected, appreciated and well paid.
You might like to give credit to the website this came from: http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
Which includes details of the book that Bronnie wrote of the same title.
Just an awesome piece of article and it can be a life changer for many I guess. The sooner we understand from the experiences of others which leaps us a hundred folds ahead, the longer we live, as we do not waste our time in making the mistakes others have done. Kudos to the author of the post.
“Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them” Was it made possible by the caring nurse otherwise how thye found peace if they still had regerets.
Aprt from this, the article was a beautiful peace of message everyone should frame it and hung on the wall so it reminds you of it every morning.
That was a eye opener of an article. Even though I’m still pretty young, I feel like I have to cram in so much in one day to feel fulfilled. I see people who are much older then me with the same level of success as I have and wonder where I will be when I reach that age. Lucky for me I have a loving family and though I work real hard I try to have my family beside me all the time. Thanks for the article!
The reality of life is simple:
Eat Good, Exercise Well, Die Anyway !!!
are you serious?
I’m just beginning to learn that myself … and I’m so grateful that it’s now as opposed to when I’m on my deathbed.
The fact that happiness IS a choice… my thoughts are my choice therefore my feelings are my choice.
It really is as simple as thinking happy thoughts.
This a real eye opener I have been working my whole life to get ahead to find that I seem to be on a treadmill going no where .Could be I should step back and reorganize my life…….
It seems like the nurse and most patients all were away from religion otherwise the most worrying aspect would have been the life without the obedience to the creator. Nurse never asked about it otherwise there could be some light on that area as well. Death is the ultimate fact which no one can deny. Religion is what keeps the person on a balanced mode in every aspect of life and when he reaches the end, the main concern is the life beyond death for which the dying person has not prepared for. If he/she is atheist, then all these above regrets converges and all of his/her unfulfilled dreams become important. What’s most important is to obey the creator and prepare for life beyond. I wish all have faith in religion and faith in the creator of all. Trust in ONE GOD, there will be no regrets then.
This post actually makes me happy. I have been living my life according to these ” rules “. Its been really hard at times, but I feel free
Such a small think.
But such a great idea
Thank for sharing your experience .All you said is 100% True , I hope i can learn what read today.
The author of this article is Bronnie Ware. It originated from her blog at http://inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html.
Based on this article, Bronnie has now released a full-length book. It is a memoir of her own life and how it was transformed based on the regrets of the dying people she cared for. The book is available from her website http://www.bronnieware.com and major online bookstores and is called ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing’.
This article is fantastic, and truly inspiring. It is certainly something that everyone of us should read, and ‘really read’. I am a young adult, but I have been fortunate enough in my life to know that true happpiness and love are really the only things you need to be fulfilled, keeping it simple.
Thank you for this article. I have forwarded it to everyone in my email list, and I really hope they read it with their heart.
I am 73 and I wish I would have spent more time with My family and lived My life closer to what the bible teaches.
This was a very good article!
Beautiful. A good sharing. Useful and thought provoking. Thank you.
True, very true what you said in the article.
My father died a few months ago, and I was with him. In that moment, I really felt that all our striving to gather more money, more cars, more toys, … was really meaningless. I felt sorrow for not telling him how I loved him, it was not possible anymore to say (maybe in my dreams now).
But at least, I have more days to spend in my life (well, I suppose), and I’ll try to give more time to my kids, my wife and my dreams.
Thanks again for this eyeopening article.
Love.
this generation is all about compromise: relationships, careers, goals. daily living is compromise. instead of going after what you really want, they hide in school and go after what is easy. we’re creatures of habit and if compromise is your habit, you’re its slave.
I needed this so desperately – I’m completely overwhelmed with this message. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
Five Deathbed Regrets By diane I just happened to read a blog post from a nurse who reported the top five regrets people have on their deathbed. The author, Bonnie Ware, worked for many years in palliative care with patients who had gone home
This has confirmed I’m living my life as should be…this was realised when watching our young child battle cancer, life is too short not be true to oneself, confirmation is truely satisfying as I sometimes have my doubts, great article, thankyou!
This article is vey truthful my dad lost his battle with cancer on the 9th of Nov 2011 ,all his life was never really accepted by hi family when he grew up and when he came to Australia he was forever reminded what the nazis did in the war ,my dad was a baby when this all happened so he lived his life by working hard he bought a farm in a small rural town called Maules Creek ,were still he could escape a war memories of a few yet he still worked hard judged ,he was misdignosed for 3years until we got a second opion and was told he had bladder cancer the cancer took hold so quickly ,and the hospital he passed away at were not qualified for cancer patients ,so they lacked compassion ,we told my dad we were going home ,he told me he loved and he smiled at my mum and took his last breathe he was a hero in my books and he had regrets
Good article. The saints kept the “deathbed” scene always before them (in good health and bad). Do we keep God before us in sickness and in health, for better or for worse…..there are things that are better left unsaid in this life and there are things that need to be said in the proper “light” and at the proper “time”. Balance is “key” to living in this world and to live with Christ in our hearts and minds in this world….can be tricky., (living is relative) there are many “living-dead” walking around, better known as “lost souls”……it is priorities to keep God first and His commandants………we may die in so-called peace, but did we die with the “love of Christ” in our hearts (and not love out of fear of the unknown) and did we choose to put Him first and if we put Him first then, as disciples, we know what we need to do. It does not matter what a person says or does, what matters is how the situation is handled at the time. It boils down to prayer & choices & motive…nothing is written in stone (except for God’s Word and God judges us NO ONE ELSE)…….. we can change, however, we must seek what the Lord’s will is for us first. Without Him there is no TRUE peace, love or joy. What Jesus gives, the world will …..take IF YOU ALLOW IT………………Death, death, where is thy sting?
It is interesting that most people live by what is important to themselves and don’t take the time to evaluate what is important to their loved ones. In my opinion it all boils down to a form of selfishness that they fail to recognize until it is too late to do anything about it. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes in our lives, but we have so many opportunities to rectify those mistakes, and make selfless decisions before we are faced with our demise. All is clear in hindsight, but what about all the casualties along the way.
I wish . I want . I dream . Then I think too much . In the end we realized we did what we thought was best at that time . Live with it .
Quite a lot of time spent to find this information in the network. Not yet stumbled on this topic.
Simple, beautiful insights. This is liberating. Thank you.
It is so true all these things mentioned 1 to 5. We all have these defensive instincts that prevent us from being our true self. When this reaches and extreme we have the person singing this song.
Fortunately for him, when he dies he will have no regrets, for to do so is to be able for find them in the heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCeIAqeWq3Q
Than you to the nurse(s) who collated all this information and made it available to all. I am not sure about the photograph though, as it looks as though it is of my Father who died on 1st November 2011 – right down to the smallest detail! I have mixed feelings about this though.
i think we should remember that we all would meet God someday. During youth and when we have good health, we forget that. We become too busy with work. We do not prepare for what we have to take with us when we meet our Creator.
Guess what? Alot of things that people forget are reminded in the religion i believe. My religion always tells us about happiness, giving time to family n friends, especially to our parents.It tells us to prepare for old age. It also tells us to lead a simple life and being content with little. My religion, Islam, tells us to look for happiness even in the worst situations of life.
If you want real peace and happiness, turn to Islam and see! The more you practice this religion the more happier you will be.
Excellent article. Thank you.
PS: Do u mind if I blog this? Link to this site will be acknowledged.
wow!! awesome article
thfss for sharing!!! Good Site
keep writing
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From today, I will live a life by doing all these things.. so that I won’t have to regret that I had read this article and couldn’t do them.